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13 August 2007 @ 11:45 am
I don't fucking exist.
12 June 1988 @ 12:00 am
Now I'm out, I'm free, wings spread wide from now on for me.
But in this strength and stability, on problem is left standing.

I see and hold too much affection for too many people. I don't know where to start, where to apply the growth of intimacy. I don't know which of the many people possessing so much potential to start with. There are so many people I could fall for, how do I know which one I should actually set my sights on? I have such a capacity, I could move beyond monogamy, but such would fail to suit me. I want a single relationship, I want to fall in love. But who? Who should I pursue? So here's what I'm going to do.
I'm not going to make the first move. Sure, such has been the traditional role of the male, sure I'm stable enough, strong enough, resilient enough that I could avoid causing the pain I would have caused prior to having reached this level, those five days were just what I needed. What I'm going to do is wait, lie in hiding and appreciate what I can from those I have come to love, but have not yet fallen for. I'll let you make the first move. If you want me, but tell me and you'll have me. I don't care what medium you chose, just say the word and I'm yours, devoted, faithful. I don't care if you fail to limit yourself to me in sexual interaction, in friendships, but I want to be that closest somebody for someone, I want to be someone's beloved, someone's support and strength and someone's somebody to hold above all others. Will you make me yours?
Just say the word.
Just say those words.

Say them here, over an IM, over a text, over the phone, in person. Say it, and I'm yours until I am able to determine whether or not we're properly suited, until you're able to see whether or not you could fall for me as I can fall for you.
I'll be your suppressed self-destructive support system of a boyfriend.
I'll feed you with more love than you ever knew someone so spiteful as me could hold.
You see, I am balance, I am all extremes, I am more than bipolar.
I am taking the middle way by walking on all of the edges at once.
I am on the borderline, looking over sanity and insanity,
looking over health and illness,
looking over hate and love.
I need somewhere to direct this.
All of this.
I want to love someone so badly,
and so many targets show so much potential.
I could love you,
I could fall in love with you.
Just say the word.
Just say those words.
audio: The Used: Lunacy Fringe
09 June 1988 @ 02:49 am
I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, my body's every shake and shiver; the traditional motions. My heart rate, my pulse, has been lower than usual since I came in. Everything's been lower than usual. I couldn't control myself as I stepped into the room, a smile spread across my face, I was nervous, but confident. Too much to hope for, too little to expect. I let her read the letter, thanks to Tom it had fallen into their hands, it had come to serve as evidence against my getting out, against my continuing school. I could stay here a while, I've grown comfortable in this setting, but I don't know how much longer I can keep some things up...
The Court Hearing went well, the person representing me understood my message, and she agreed that what I did may well have been the best I could do. They saw fit to set up a second hearing for Tuesday, the nearest available date for us to meet. By their words, I should be released by then, they all expect such. I haven't seen my doctor yet today, yesterday he came in during visiting hours. I admit I'm hoping that he doesn't do the same today, as much as I fail to feel comfortable confiding in my parents, it's still nice to see them. I do love them, and they are, after all, the only people willing to come visit me here.
It's strange, whenever I'm at my worst, whenever I'm most deprived of activity with others, most secluded, I get to see a true glimpse of how reliable, how close, my friends truly are. I'm not condemning any of you, please understand that. It's just... during the months in my Junior year that I was ill, I had no contact with anyone, I had not one friend come by during the two months I was ill at home. All I had was HJC, Bay, Rachel's livejournal, and my own thoughts to keep me company. I had regrets during that time, oh how much I regretted back then. But that's a whole other issue.
I got a call from my dearest of cousins today, it caught me completely off guard. I couldn't believe she'd called, I couldn't believe she cared that much. From the way she explained things it sounded as though she made an attempt to reach me as soon as she was able. I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. I just... I love my family. Whatever, the point is, I'm getting out soon. I'm going to return to freedom, to some extent, I'm going to get to exercise, I'm going to get to breathe, I'm going to get to listen to the music I need to hear, and I'm going to smoke until I'm so high off nicotine I can't stand up straight. Of course, there's more that I'm going to be doing, but I can't go off sharing everything and ruin the surprise, can I?
audio: Pandora.com - Emilie Autumn Radio
09 June 1988 @ 02:15 am
I've been put on a 5250, which means that they might be keeping me until May 29, which is when finals come to a close. I can't afford it, I can't afford any of this. I still fail to comprehend why they're calling this an involuntary hold. Who was it who made the phone call asking to be admitted to the hospital? Oh, right, it was me. One of my friends thoroughly fucked this up even further by allowing them access to my livejournal, or at least my little Inadequate Requiem. Whatever the case is, I'm fucked. I have a hearing tomorrow at nine.
I'm going to be honest, I don't know what else to do, what else to say beyond the truth. I just want out of here, I want back out to the bipolar support group. I want back out to late night jogs and hour-long walks and Emilie Autumn in my ears throughout the day. I want to hear my friends' voices again, but I can't make any long distance calls from here. Bay, Rachel, I miss the two of you most; and you just happen to be the two I can't reach.
My biggest fear right now is finals. Not facing them, no, I'm honestly not very worried about that. I did really well on all of my speeches, all of my history tests, everything we've done in philosophy. I'm a little worried about jazz history and political science, but this is school, being worried is perfectly healthy.
What really has me worried is that I won't be able to even so much as face those tests, or that I'll get out so late that I won't have the time or material to study for them adequately. I'm afraid that my one decision to finally seek the help I thought I needed will turn into a waste of four or five months of my education, a whole fucking semester down the drain. What am I doing here? I know what needs to be done. I have a plan to get better... But as long as I'm here I can't test it, I can't initiate anything.
I have my schedule set, but without an alarm clock I can't maintain the consistent schedule that I need as far as waking up is concerned. Without access outside I can't maintain the amount of exercise I need to improve my mood. Without my cell phone I can't call the friends with whom I feel truly close and intimate, I can't access those for whom I find life to be worth living. I can't really get out there and do anything. I can't even attend school for fuck's sake. How much class am I missing here? How many tests, quizes, speeches, lectures, etcetera do I have to miss out on before they decide the boy who wanted to be admitted can have his wish for another shot appealed to?
Whatever. Just... wish me luck for tomorrow, please. I need it. I need out.
audio: Pandora Radio: Someone Else's Playlist